So this is it, the last week of Gearin' Up To Get An Agent Blogorama aka GUTGAA. This week we were asked to post the first 200 words of our MS. Before I do so, I would like to give a big fat thanks to Deana, the ingenious mastermind behind all of this. It is only because of her diligence and hard work that this came together so beautifully. I would also like to thank the judges and peers who have participated! I have had the privilege to meet many fabulous, incredibly talented writers over the last three weeks, and I've loved every minute of it! I hope we stay in touch, urging each other on in our creative endeavors.
And now, onto my little offering this week.
A very short excerpt, the first 200 words of my YA Fantasy/Paranormal novel, Bound:
I see the note right away, perched on top of an avalanche of textbooks and binders that threaten to tumble out when I open the door. Delivered in the same fashion as the ones before it—slipped through the thin grate at the top of my locker. Also like the others, the cruel words inside fail to match its unassuming pink envelope.
Do us all a favor and kill yourself.
The scent of Abby’s favorite perfume rolls off the page, thick and sweet, nauseating. This time my old ‘friend’ hasn’t bothered to disguise her handwriting. I look down the hall to find her staring my way, face bright with anticipation. She’s at her locker with her latest best friend, Maddy, by her side. When our eyes make contact she grins, and then leans to whisper in Maddy’s ear. Maddy quickly looks in my direction, expressionless.
I notice they're dressed for tonight's game. With that same vindictive smile in place, Abby fiddles with the captain's pin she has hooked to her red and grey cheerleading uniform. The same pin I used to wear till I returned it to Coach last October, walking away from that part of my life.
LOVE THIS. You made me care about the character AND filled me in on the plot (and lurve the present tense). I don't have anything to add.* :)
ReplyDelete*unless you want to take out the word *that* in the first sentence and write *threatening*.
I love this! I feel your MC's problems and emotions, and your voice is excellent. And it's a problem we probably all can relate to from our teen years--being harassed for being different. The contrast between the words and the pink envelope is fantastic. A 10!
ReplyDeleteP.S. I forgot to mention that I'm glad to be a new follower. :)
ReplyDeleteI immediately feel for the MC. Yuck--high school stinks! My only worry is that an agent might think 'mean cheerleader' is a cliche. I would read on just to see how your MC handles this situation.
ReplyDeleteHi Lindy!
ReplyDeleteThis is a very strong start. Although potentially cliche, it does ring true. I would definitely keep reading, so I wouldn't worry too much about being cliche, as long as it breaks from the mold within the next few chapters.
I thought this sentence was a little clunky - "Delivered in the same fashion as the ones before it—slipped through the thin grate at the top of my locker." It's like it's trying too hard not to have "was" in it. :)
Good luck!
Great stuff. Perhaps a little over-descriptive on the first para. I would start like this...
ReplyDelete"I see the note right away, perched on top of an avalanche of textbooks and binders.
Do us all a favor and kill yourself.
The scent of Abby’s favorite perfume rolls off the page, thick and sweet, nauseating. This time my old ‘friend’ hasn’t bothered to disguise her handwriting."
Oh, I like Freya's suggestion:) Love it though! I can tell I'm gonna care about the MC & cry. Side note about cliche: I also have a mean cheerleader as a villan in my YA- just be sure you make them a real person & explore the real reason behind why they're a 'mean girl.' I'm sure you do:)
ReplyDeleteLindy-
ReplyDeleteThis is great! I definitely want to know more. I don't think it is over-descriptive, but I do agree with Sharon and the "Delivered in the same fashion..." sentence. Other than that, I love it.
Very compelling - but like Sharon B. said it does have the potential to become cliche - I sure hope not because I'm hooked!
ReplyDeleteOh - powerful and compelling! Love this! You're missing a few commas but other than that, I wouldn't change much.
ReplyDeleteWow, this is great! You guys rock! I appreciate all of the useful feedback.
ReplyDeleteWhen I pulled the first 200 words for this post I was worried that it would appear like a good number of other YA books out there. Just to reassure everyone, the mean cheerleader is only the tip of the iceberg for my MC, the reader goes on to discover that most everyone feels this way about her.
Also, the line "Delivered in the same fashion as the ones before it—slipped through the thin grate at the top of my locker." came about after cutting every word possible from it-including 'was'. Golly, I hate that word and it obviously shows.
This is great. I, also, love the the horrid words in a pink envelope. The tone of this is spot-on. And I want to read more.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I've left a response to your comment on Bird's-eye View, http://michellefayard.blogspot.com/2011/07/blogfest-first-200-words-contest.html.
ReplyDeleteWOw -- powerful stuff :) I do love a good cheerleader hater story! My thoughts: the first graph is a little strange.
ReplyDeleteI see the note right away, perched on top of an avalanche of textbooks and binders that threaten to tumble out when I open the door. [SO, SHE OPENED THE DOOR? OR DID SHE SEE THE NOTE BEFORE SHE OPENED THE DOOR? IF SO, HOW WAS SHE ABLE TO SEE IT? THROUGH THE SLITS?] Delivered in the same fashion as the ones before it—slipped through the thin grate at the top of my locker. Also like the others, the cruel words inside fail to match its unassuming pink envelope.
Perhaps I'm just being weird and reading it wrong :) NICE job!
I love this! I'm already engaged and would totally read on.
ReplyDeleteLindy, you silly woman (re: your comment on my post about not entering contests), your writing is perfect! I don't want to change a word and I'm super-picky, believe me. Great job. I love it and am totally hooked.
ReplyDelete--Lora
Sounds like an interesting beginning. I would have liked more reaction from MC. By giving us her reaction you can tell us more about her. Is she going to stand up to the bull, run and hide, how does she react to this.
ReplyDeleteThis is fantastic!! I have no edits. I'd love to know what the paranormal aspect is. Rock on!
ReplyDeleteI like that the girl with the cheerleading captain had a blank stare on her face. Probably thinking about how easily the MC's situation could have been hers! Strong perfume, pink envelope...so feminine. Do us all a favor and kill yourself...so evil!
ReplyDeleteWhat a compelling opening! I love how you've used the sense of smell here.
ReplyDeleteIt might strengthen the opening a bit to include the narrator's reaction after she sees the note or after Maddy looks down the hall. Right now, I felt a bit detached from what was happening, as though the narrator is just reporting what happens rather than experiencing it (though of course, that may be your intent).
But I love the story problem and the writing is lovely - you've definitely captured the reaction of popular girls to a prank.
Love this, and I want to read more. Don't really have anything new to add.
ReplyDeleteI echo the comments here - this start has a real "wow" factor. The words in the note are so incredibly cruel, but they ring true, identifiable to many (sadly), and made me instantly feel a connection to your MC.
ReplyDeleteI also paused on the "Delivered in the same fashion..." sentence, but it's an easy fix. Great excerpt!! Best of luck with this! :)
sounds great! Thanks for linking up with us!
ReplyDeleteA great opening! I love the pink envelope and the smells, and I totally felt like I was right there beside her. Excellently done!
ReplyDeleteOne tiny point. "When our eyes make contact she grins" sounds a little clunky to me. I would perhaps consider changing it to something a easier, like, "When our eyes meet, she grins..."
Otherwise, this is completely fabulous!