I don't want to think about it...but it's all I can see. The swallow of Diet Coke tastes of sorrow in my mouth. The world somehow looks and feels different, as if I'm watching through a magnify glass. Every gesture sharp, each word profound. I guess it's because I'm so dumbstruck, and at the same time, so sad.
I'm struggling today, but this isn't about me. It's about the people who loved him the most. His two daughters, his wife, his brothers and his sister. I never had the luxury of knowing my uncle very well, I was far too transient for that kind of thing and so we never laid ties. Not real ones, not the kind that draw you together at Christmas and Thanksgiving, not the kind that have you at the post office mailing birthday cards.
Death changes everything.
I was barely a part of his life, but I will miss my uncle. An intimidating guy, when he retired from the Air Force, he went to work for the U.S. Post Office. To me, he was always so serious, sort of scary. But looking back, I think he had a quirky sense of humor that was lost on me as a child. I think...that's all. I'll never get to know. My uncle left this world at 2 am this morning.
The world didn't stop.
It's a phenomenon, isn't it? The way you and I know our days are numbered, and yet, we have the ability to shove that from our heads and go about our everyday business. Each of us pretending that it's all good.
Tomorrow that veil of unawareness will slip back into place, blinding me to my own mortality. It's better that way, I suppose.
But not today. Today I will do for my uncle what he can no longer do for himself. Today when I hug my children, I will squeeze a little tighter. I will linger with my husband. I will take the time to admire the sky and to savour the sweet scent of the air. I will live each moment as if it were my last. Today I will live.
