Jenny Hansen over on Kait Nolan's ROW80 asked today: Do you fear your dream? To which I immediately thought:
Huh? Who said I was afraid? I never said that! Who have you been talking to? Unbelievable...
Okay, okay, there might be a little truth to this... Humph, alright, a lot of truth to this. In fact, if I were to let you further into my brain, the inner dialogue would go something like this:
My dream?
If you're referring to that misty, elusive, crazy fantasy where I find myself agented and published, well then yes, I am afraid.
Not just afraid, though, that would imply that there's some space in my mind where I'm slightly aware of the stupidity of the feeling. Petrified...yes that's more like it: Frozen in place, spine tingling, short breathed, hair raised, terror.
Yep. That's me. For if I had any courage at all, I would have driven myself harder last year. I would have forced myself to revise my MS ten times more, would have sought aid from my CPs, would have sent my MS out to more than three agents. Especially when one of those three agents requested a full. What the hell is wrong with me? I should have sent it to 50. Why didn't I push myself, stretch at the seams, snap those threads that hold me tight?
Jenny nailed it.
I'm afraid. For all the reasons she cited (and more):
- What if I write the book and nobody buys it?
- What if I write the book and everybody buys it…can I be that brilliant again?
- What if I can’t meet the deadlines of a publishing contract?
- Who would want to read what I have to say?
- When I say what I have to say, they’ll know who I am.
Yes, yes and yes!
But the great thing about a new year is that with it comes a new chance. And it's never too late to change. I know, exciting, right? So what to declare? What amazing new feats will I be promising this time round? Pfftt....right. Oh, no, I'm not falling for it...not this time, buddy! Mr. New Year will not be suckering me into the glimmering labyrinth of promise. This time, I'm keeping it simple, foot forward with a pair of what Jenny refers to as "titanium panties" (though I probably need an entire titanium suit). I'm going to toughen up, and I'm going to claim what I've been wanting. No more waiting on the side lines wondering what 'could' be. So here's the list, short, and concise.
1. Exercise at least 3 days a week
2. Revise 15 pages minimum of current MS daily
Wow! I feel empowered already! Look out 2012!!
Hope your revisions go well! I'm right there with you on being afraid to query. I doing okay with 5 but don't want to do any more. Love my ms so much that I'm afraid it won't get an agent. Would break my heart.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great post! I can just feel the positive vibes coming off of you. I'm certain you'll be able to don that Titanium suit and rock your new goals. (I'm totally jealous of the exercise one, it is still alluding me while I meet all the others.)
ReplyDeleteI understand fear. I didn't write for years because I thought that it would consume my life and I didn't want to lose my marriage or my work to my writing. And then I did NaNoWriMo last year and I discovered that being a writer is who I am, and it made all the difference. I'm a better husband now, a more dedicated worker, and most of all I am a writer.
Glad to be on this journey with you. Good luck on the path.
Lindy,
ReplyDeleteAre you really doing exercise 3 times a week and is it at home or away? You picked two of the hard ones to keep up with...revising MS pages daily and exercise! I think I over-revised my PB and now need to find it's 'life-flow' again. As for exercise...it was better when I left the house for the gym, but then it took a huge chunk of time driving..exercising..driving. Your post is inspiring though...very titanium-like!
Wow, I'm lucky if I manage to revise my MS once a week, not once a day!
ReplyDeleteLol, now I'm rethinking my goals. Hope I haven't bitten off more than I can chew!
ReplyDeleteYes, Lindy. I do fear it. I need me some titanium undies too. Gotta get back in the editing groove. You don't use it, you lose it for sure!
ReplyDelete