Your children love you, they want to play with you. How long do you think that lasts?...We have a few special years with our children, when they're the ones that want us around. After that you're going to be running after them for a bit of attention. It's so fast Peter. Just a few years, and it's over. And you are not being careful. And you are missing it. (Extract from Hook (Peter Pan's wife, Moira)
Lately these words have been haunting me.
Friday I took my children to the park. I haven't done that kind of thing in a while, just spent time alone with them. Just them-no cell phone, no computer, no current read. It was strange, sitting there over my cheese and crackers with only the sound of their laughter, and the light breeze blowing bits of grass clippings in slow furry whirlpools near my feet. My son's voice could be heard from across the way. I looked for him but only found a beefy tree, its branches so tightly woven that the leaves formed this opaque shield of sorts. In a sing song voice he called out, "Can you see me? Can you see me?"
And I thought to myself, No. I don't see you. I teared up, there on that isolated bench, wondering how I'd gotten to this point. Of course it wasn't the silly tree that I was thinking about, it's the way I've changed as a person. It's as if I don't see my children the way I used to, that I'm missing them. I often wonder how people, but women especially, balance their career with family. It wasn't that long ago that I took my kids to the park several times a week, arranged play-dates, sat with them draped over my knees on the floor of the city library during story time. I was a good mom. Really I was. Now I'm...well, I'm different. I'm busy.
I've seen this from time to time, the absent mother. Last week I had to wait in a parking lot with my foot firmly pressed on the brake, as a little girl danced into the store with her mom. While the little girl pirouetted haphazardly, dawdling in front of my vehicle, her mom chatted on the phone, staring at the sky. I kid you not, eyes blankly riveted at the sky. Clearly she was in her own world, unaware of what was happening around her. We all know how insane parking lots can be, and not everyone is expecting a two foot person to go streaking out in front of them.
Anyway, I'm not looking to blame or find fault. We all have our moments. I guess my question is, in working hard, in pursuing our dreams, how do you find that happy place where no part of your life is suffering? Is it even possible?
This is my favorite wallow song, hope you enjoy!
This is a beautiful post and that song made me cry as well as your words. I can relate entirely. I've been struggling with this ever since I started persuing my writing career. I hate the way I feel sometimes when I ignore my kids to get something done. I feel so guilty that I'm doing something that makes me happy and fulfilled. I don't have an answer, sorry, because I'm trying to balance the same thing. The only thing I know is to try and a seperate your time. Almost schedule everything in. Not easy, I know.
ReplyDeleteYou are a wonderful mother, I'm sure you're kids know that.
Gosh, that is the constant torment of being a mother; I'm always regretting those moments when my boys interrupt me and want my attention right the and there, and I am busy, preoccupied...I can't help needing to follow my own interested as well, just as they do. Frankly, I think it's better to give them space rather than being a at-your-beck-and-call mom; I see too much of that. Two adults having a conversation, and a child is allowed it interrupt and end it. So give yourself some slack. You're there for your children probably far more than you are aware.
ReplyDeleteHow beautiful. Becoming a writer changes you (even if you already have a different job). Not only are you expected to read in your genre/age range, but you are also expected to polish a WIP until it shines AND keep up with social networking. Being a mom is a full-time job. Add to that other full-time jobs and you get tired.
ReplyDeleteComing from a single-parent home, I can attest to parenting being a full-time job. But even though my mom couldn't be there all the time, I knew she cared and was trying to provide the best way she knew how. Your kids know. Trust me. Just the fact that you are there and have a dialogue with them every day makes a world of difference. Some parents don't even bother. I agree about cutting yourself some slack. I bet you are a wonderful mother. Anyone who can show empathy for complete strangers as much as you do has to be pretty terrific.
Where that happy place is I don't know - I struggle with finding balance all the time. I work full-time, and just picking up at 6pm is hard, dealing with the looks from co-workers when I leave so "early." Until my 3-year-old's bedtime I don't try to have any time for myself or for chores. My time starts around 11 pm.
ReplyDeleteI guess my answer is to take time from sleep.
All we can do is try to do our best with what we are given and then try to improve upon that.
i don't allow myself to get on the computer or even my phone from the time i get home until they sleep. it's REALLY hard, but necessary for me. working full time, i only have a few hours a day with the kids, so i try to make the best of it.
ReplyDelete[oomph.]
You're Invited: fall in love with mark.